Day 5 through 10

So, its been hard, but i have gotten out, i went to church and i also took my kids to the park so they could play. I can't make them suffer right? But i haven't really done much for me. My house is clean, for the most part, just lost motivation to continue cleaning it.

Well, i have had time to think about me and my wants, and i have realized that my wants are not what they were 3 years ago or even 4 years ago. I use to not care about much, but growing closer to the Lord has made me realized that i just want to worship Him and do right by him. No, i'm not perfect and i sin i did today. I have bad thoughts we will get to that in a few. But i now that i have grown as a person, and that i want to be loved and respected. I want to love and be respected as well.

So i have been smoke free since April 2005 with the exception of when Cheyanne was almost 2 or right before i got pregnant with Kaylie i smoked and i spent the night over the toilet. So i realized that smoking is not for me anymore. Plus after researching it and seeing the harm it does to my kids rather i smoke around them or not, its on my clothes and wow it hurts them. So i decided NO i care more about their health then my wants. So i stopped. However, my husband who promised me that he would quit has not. So now he's not only smoking cigs he smoking cigars. And when i figured it out all i could think is man i just wish he would die already. I hate that... I don't want to deal with the diseases that are associated with it. I watched his grandfather die of smoking and the pain it caused everyone. I don't want to deal with it. He was 75 years old and lived a long time suffering. So even though i don't want my husband to die, sometimes i wish he would realize it. I though for sure watching his grandpa die from it would open his eyes, but did it no he starts smoking more stuff. I don't want to deal with it, but i know that is not grounds for divorce, but truthfully i want out because of it. I don't want to be in a situation 10 years from now, where he is with emphysema or cancer because of his own ignorance. I know i sound heartless, but i'm 30 years old and i don't want to be 50 and then single because of it, and i don't want to sit up at nights watching him die a slow death. I am thinking i really need to start praying more.

Anyways, thats it for the day.