Why do i feel like everyone is coming after me? From work to my personal life....I swear sometimes i feel like i don't do anything right at all. Yes, sometimes i am too outspoken, but thats just me, i have never really held anything back, but sometimes i keep to myself and people think i'm upset or something is wrong with me. I feel like everything i do people are just waiting for me to make a mistake. I don't get it.
I have a hard time trusting people and lately i have really had a hard time trusting anyone. Its sad, but true. I feel like people are constantly gossiping or looking for stuff to say hey look what she did. I often feel like i'm in elementary school and i'm not. I really don't get it.
When it comes to my job, i have come to the conclusion that i'm not going to talk to anyone, unless its work related and thats the basic. It is like i say one thing and it goes around to i said something else. So i feel like its best to keep quiet and do what i have to do. I love the kids i work with and so that makes it a plus, but i can't handle people making things out of nothing rather on here, or on facebook, especially when it has nothing to do with work... I did delete a bunch of people that i work with off my facebook page but i did keep a few people on there. Its just a matter of time before i fully get rid of facebook....I feel like God has me there for a reason, i'm just not sure what it is yet...
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
I feel like i'm being targeted
Thursday, November 12, 2009
The Truth
So i have been sitting here, and just thinking about why i started blogging, and i realized its like therapy to write whats on my mind. Rather anyone reads them or not, it feels good to just let it out. And i am not afraid to write about anything from God to family, to friends to work. Its very therapeutic. But then again some people may find my blogs to be upsetting or they may not agree with how i feel, either way its my feelings and thoughts and if you have something you would like to ad feel free and if you have any questions don't hesitate to ask.
So anyways, i have sat here and started to realize that people don't like to hear the truth about themselves and they get upset when its told. I'm not going to name any names or get into details about anything, but i find it funny. Just like when i get emails or phone calls and they ask me are you talking about me, if you have to ask that then i probably am talking about you, and if not then obviously your doing something to make you think about what i wrote and your thinking its you.
Also i don't think alot of people take friendship they way they once did. I find it funny how one day your friends then the next they write you off, until they feel like talking to you. To me thats not friendship. I think that when you have friends it should be 50/50 and sometimes its alittle more give and a little less take and visa versa... But when someone is the one doing most of it all i don't see how they can say its a true friendship. I may be wrong, i do however get that some of us work, or have families, or whatever, but thats not an excuse to ignore and not talk to someone and use that as an excuse, yes i use i'm busy or i have been working as an excuse, and sitting back i realize its an excuse because i'm tired or i just don't feel like being a friend at the moment, yes there are times i'm at work, but i have time to meet up with people, but i don't. I'm missing some of my old friends that i use to meet up with. I need to get back into the hang of it. But anyways, i have decided that its time to step back and stop being the one to give and give and give and really not get anything in return. Not even a phone call or an email nothing. So i have to give my all , all the time and my "friends" can't do anything, then its time to cut the ties... Its sad, but hey what am i suppose to do. So if anyone starts disappearing from my page on facebook or i flat out stop calling or texting you know why...
Sorry if i seem like i'm being mean or rude, but its the truth and this is how i feel.
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
The real meaning of Thanksgiving
I found this to be interesting so i figured i would post it:
There are many myths and misconceptions surrounding the people responsible for the American Thanksgiving tradition. Contrary to popular opinion, the Pilgrims didn't wear buckles on their shoes or hats. They weren't teetotalers, either. They smoked tobacco and drank beer. And, most importantly, their first harvest festival and subsequent "thanksgivings" weren't held to thank the local natives for saving their lives.
Do you know there are public schools in America today actually teaching that? Some textbooks, in their discomfort with open discussions of Christianity, say as much. I dare suggest most parents
today know little more about this history than their children.
Yet, there is no way to divorce the spiritual from the celebration of Thanksgiving – at least not the way the Pilgrims envisioned it, a tradition dating back to the ancient Hebrews and their feasts of Succoth and Passover.
The Pilgrims came to America for one reason – to form a separate community in which they could worship God as they saw fit. They had fled England because King James I was persecuting those who did not recognize the Church of England's absolute civil and spiritual authority.
On the two-month journey of 1620, William Bradford and the other elders wrote an extraordinary charter – the Mayflower Compact. Why was it extraordinary? Because it established just and equal laws for all members of their new community – believers and non-believers alike. Where did they get such revolutionary ideas? From the Bible, of course.
When the Pilgrims landed in the New World, they found a cold, rocky, barren, desolate wilderness. There were no friends to greet them, Bradford wrote. No houses to shelter them. No inns where they could refresh themselves. During the first winter, half the Pilgrims died of sickness or exposure – including Bradford's wife. Though life improved for the Pilgrims when spring came, they did not really prosper. Why? Once again, the textbooks don't tell the story, but Bradford's own journal does. The reason they didn't succeed initially is because they were practicing an early form of socialism.
The original contract the Pilgrims had with their merchant-sponsors in London called for everything they produced to go into a common store. Each member of the community was entitled to one common share. All of the land they cleared and the houses they built belonged to the community. Bradford, as governor, recognized the inherent problem with this collectivist system.
"The experience that was had in this common course and condition, tried sundry years ... that by taking away property, and bringing community into common wealth, would make them happy and flourishing – as if they were wiser than God," Bradford wrote. "For this community [so far as it was] was found to breed much confusion and discontent, and retard much employment that would have been to their benefit and comfort. For young men that were most able and fit for labor and service did repine that they should spend their time and strength to work for other men's wives and children without any recompense ... that was thought injustice."
What a surprise! Even back then people did not want to work without incentive. Bradford decided to assign a plot of land to each family to work and manage, thus turning loose the power of free enterprise. What was the result?
"This had very good success," wrote Bradford, "for it made all hands industrious, so as much more corn was planted than otherwise would have been."
As a result, the Pilgrims soon found they had more food than they could eat themselves. They set up trading posts and exchanged goods with the Indians. The profits allowed them to pay off their debts to the merchants in London much faster than expected. The success of the Plymouth colony thus attracted more Europeans and set off what we call the "Great Puritan Migration."
But it wasn't just an economic system that allowed the Pilgrims to prosper. It was their devotion to God and His laws. And that's what Thanksgiving is really all about. The Pilgrims recognized that everything we have is a gift from God – even our sorrows. Their Thanksgiving tradition was established to honor God and thank Him for His blessings and His grace.
Today we continue that tradition in my home – and I hope in yours. God bless you, God bless America, and Happy Thanksgiving.
By Joseph Farah
Monday, November 9, 2009
My day
So today was an ok day. Kaylie is sick which is terrible for me, but what can i do. She's been acting really strange today. I know something is wrong when she doesn't want to sleep alone and wants someone to sleep with her. She's not a cuddler persay. I just hope she gets better soon. I have to try to sneak Cheyanne out of the house to go to work tomorrow.
I made homemade chicken noodle soup. To my surprise it came out really good. First time i made it all from scratch the way i did. I am impressed.
Lets see... About my post the other day on Christian, after talking to my dad we came to the conclusion that while he's in our care he will wear a diaper everywhere we go from the moment he comes to my house. Still no taking him to Oklahoma with me. I am alittle disappointed with his mom for not sticking with the plan and then compromising with him. He called her bluff and won. But she has to do what she feels is best for them. I don't think any less of her for not following through, just sorta wish she would have. Yes, i spoke to her about it and heard what she said and i get her reason for it, but he said he wasn't wearing it to school and he didn't. So i don't really know.... I do feel better however, that he's not just doing it at my house, even though thats bad to say. I know its not us if that makes any sense at all.
I am starting to question who i can trust and who i can't trust as well. Not going to get into a lot of detail about it, but just unsure about it.
Yesterday, donnie and i went out on a date night. Long needed. It was nice, we went to Chuy's (i so know i'm spelling that wrong) and then went to the movies and saw Law Abiding Citizens. It was actually a really good movie. I was impressed. But i did tell him that i wanted to go see the new Sandra Bullock movie...Can't remember what its called, but i adore her so i want to see it. But it was nice going out with him and just me.
Lets see that really all i have to say tonight. Fixing to go to bed, have to get up and go to work in the morning...
Saturday, November 7, 2009
I quit
I really don't understand why... I sit here and i'm upset, no to be honest i'm actually mad. I have 3 kids and out of the 3 two are biologically mine and the other one is my stepson. I try to love him, and i try to treat him the same as my girls. I do things for him, i buy him things, i take care of him, i tell him i love him and that i would do anything, but yet, he's sooo disrespectful, and just flat out does not care at all. I don't understand. He's almost 8 years old and he still pees in the bed, and he still pees on himself and poops on himself while he's awake and he doesn't care. I don't get it. What am i to do? I just don't know. I can't handle it anymore. I have told my husband that i won't do it. I know it kills my husband, but what else is there to do. I pray and pray for guidance and i get be patient, so i do, but it does nothing. He chokes my daughter, he hits her, and she cries and tells, and he doesn't care. I'm open to suggestions. I have done time out, i have done taking things away, i have even spanked, but nothing works with him. I have talked to him, his father has talked to him and nothing. When i asked him do you do this at your moms house he tells me yes. The bad part is its rubbing off on my girls, and i can't deal with it. I didn't ever expect for my life to be this way, especially when it came to kids. I can honestly say this is why i NEVER wanted to marry someone with kids. My kids are too young to understand whats really going on. However, Chey is getting to the age where she is learning and knows right from wrong, but she doesn't get why her brother gets away with it when he's with his mom and she doesn't. I try to explain to her that i'm not his mom and i expect more from her, but she doesn't get it and so i don't really know how to explain it to her. I just wish i could figure it out myself.
Thursday, November 5, 2009
I don't understand some people
Let me first say that since Sheri (my ex boss) left things haven't been the same. I really do miss her, i thought at first that i would miss her maybe in a month, but no, it just now hit a week and i missed her on day one. Things are so different, I adore Janice and she's still the same so its not her either. She still makes me laugh so thats the plus to my job, at least we have one still.
So anyways, i really think that some people shouldn't work in childcare at ALL. Its sad that when we have a fire drill and the young ones i mean under the age of 2 are confused and scared some don't seem to understand that. You have to make them understand that they are safe and that its going to be ok. Not just ignore the fact that they are screaming on the top of their lungs paniced about whats happening. A fire alarm and all the things that go with it can traumatize a child if not handled properly. Its sad, that some people are more concerned with a runny nose and the color of it, then trying to calm the child down. Seriously worry about the nose later. And then to worry about name tags, before you want to start on what we should have done or shouldn't do, maybe they should allow the teachers to calm their kids down and then come back later. We as teachers are already stressed out especially when our kids are crying and then to have someone come in and start lecturing on what we need to do or didn't do. Some people really need to think. I know if Sheri was there it would have maintained alot calmer.
Besides all that my day went fairly good. Not alot of complaints except for that.
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
My thoughts for today
So today was a day of bad, but yet good. Work was ok there for awhile, but some people have no clue how to talk to people. I think that if people understood that coming off as rude and mean doesn't make people listen to you, it actually makes them shut you out. But then again, some people have no clue and so all you can do is excuse their poor attitude.
I have also realized that my kids have tested me in so many ways. I love them more then life itself, but at times they can really try me. Especially Chey, i don't understand why she is soo mean to KK, i don't get it. I am working on the behavior of her and her sister, but its been hard. I often wonder what i could have done differently and then maybe things would be better. Some people know about Cheyanne's past and i'm wondering if this is why she's soo mean to KK and if thats why she just shuts herself down when she doesn't like what is being said to her or she reacts by hitting. I don't know.
As far as my faith goes, i have sorta slipped into a pit, and can't get out of it. It seems like my life is falling apart in some aspects, and i am blaming the wrong people. I haven't talked to God about it in awhile, though i talk to him, its about others and not me. I need to come back to the road that i was walking at one point where i leaned on God for everything. At that point life seemed soo easy and everything sorta just fell into place, but lately its like its going in every direction but where it should. So i need to take sometime out and just fall down and pray for help and guidance and get myself motivated to go to Bible study and church. I have just not been sooo motivated. We will see what happens.
Monday, November 2, 2009
Life
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Its been awhile since i have posted
So let's see whats been going on in my life. I have started working at my church. Its been great. I actually enjoy my job, and i love the fact that i'm able to get out and talk to people. Its been nice, however today i missed, i believe i have pink eye. I will find out tomorrow when i go see my doctor.
Cheyanne is at my moms. I miss her, i talked to her today and she told me "mommy i'm having fun at papa's and grandma's" I almost wanted to cry. I love that little girl, and the more she's gone the more i miss her. When she's here she drives me insane, but man when she's gone i want her back. But its all good.
As far as Donnie and i go, we went on a vacation at the beginning of the month. It was good, and well needed. We bonded over that weekend. Though at times we still fight here and there, its not like it use to. I have a new found love for him, that i was starting to lose. It's been great, but i will say that, he tells me that he loves me and that he goes out of his way for me from, the house and doing what i want to outside. Things he told me he wouldn't do when he was married the first time. Though we live in an OLD house and its outdated, we are slowly fixing it. We are fixing to pour concrete in the car port and then make a drive way, from there we are going to do an electric fence which i am glad, because he never had that in his plan. We are then going to expand our house to make more rooms and a larger bathroom, living room, kitchen, and make a dining room as well as build more rooms. So i'm happy. He does go far and beyond to make me happy. I sit back and think sometimes, maybe it wasn't all him, it was me to. I'm stubborn and i refuse to budge on my thoughts or wants, but its not fair to him either. So i have realized i need to stop and let him be the man sometimes... Its a work, but after talking to him and seeing the differences and talking about our marriage i see that he does love me. So its worth the fight. He has only really loved one other girl in his life and that was his high school sweetheart whom he thought he was going to marry. But things happen. I use to think about what my life would be like and all i can say is thank you Lord, for allowing him to go and file for divorce from his first wife, so that it opened a door for him and I to be meet and get married. Because she wanted to work it out, but he didn't. So thank you Lord for that.
I have sorta faded from the Lord, which driving home from my mom's i cried a lot, i realized that God is first and i need to put Him first again. I started to sorta put Him on the back burner. I love Jesus with all my heart, but other things were consuming me, and i started to turn back to my old ways. Through prayer and crying and thinking, i know that God understands and he forgives me. It brings me back to Natalie Grants song I won't be moved. That song was me to the dot. And the Lord has shown me the light so many times, and though he will never turn His back on me, it hurts Him when i do it to Him. So that will stop and i will follow him 100% once again. What made me sorta stray i have yet to figure it out, actually i know what it is, but that will not be discussed right now.
My baby Kaylie is almost 16 months and she's doing sooo good.
Monday, March 30, 2009
Letter From God
My Child ~
You may not know me, but I know everything about you ~ Psalm 139:1 I know when you sit down and when you rise up ~ Psalm 139:2 I am familiar with all your ways ~ Psalm 139:3 Even the very hairs on your head are numbered ~ Matthew 10:29-31 For you were made in my image ~ Genesis 1:27 In me you live and move and have your being ~ Acts 17:28 For you are my offspring ~ Acts 17:28 I knew you even before you were conceived ~ Jeremiah 1:4-5 I chose you when I planned creation ~ Ephesians 1:11-12 You were not a mistake, for all your days are written in my book ~ Psalm 139:15-16 I determined the exact time of your birth and where you would live ~ Acts 17:26 You are fearfully and wonderfully made ~ Psalm 139:14 I knit you together in your mother's womb ~ Psalm 139:13 And brought you forth on the day you were born ~ Psalm 71:6 I have been misrepresented by those who don't know me ~ John 8:41-44 I am not distant and angry, but am the complete expression of love ~ 1 John 4:16 And it is my desire to lavish my love on you ~ 1 John 3:1 Simply because you are my child and I am your father ~ 1 John 3:1 I offer you more than your earthly father ever could ~ Matthew 7:11 For I am the perfect father ~ Matthew 5:48 Every good gift that you receive comes from my hand ~ James 1:17 For I am your provider and I meet all your needs ~ Matthew 6:31-33 My plan for your future has always been filled with hope ~ Jeremiah 29:11 Because I love you with an everlasting love ~ Jeremiah 31:3 thoughts toward you are countless as the sand on the seashore ~ Psalm 139:17-18 And I rejoice over you with singing ~ Zephaniah 3:17 I will never stop doing good to you ~ Jeremiah 32:40 For you are my treasured possession ~ Exodus 19:5 I desire to establish you with all my heart and all my soul ~ Jeremiah 32:41 And I want to show you great and marvelous things ~ Jeremiah 33:3 If you seek me with all your heart, you will find me ~ Deuteronomy 4:29 Delight in me and I will give you the desires of your heart ~ Psalm 37:4 For it is I who gave you those desires ~ Philippians 2:13 I am able to do more for you than you could possibly imagine ~ Ephesians 3:20 For I am your greatest encourager ~ 2 Thessalonians 2:16-17 I am also the Father who comforts you in all your troubles ~ 2 Corinthians 1:3-4 When you are brokenhearted, I am close to you ~ Psalm 34:18 As a shepherd carries a lamb, I have carried you close to my heart ~ Isaiah 40:11 One day I will wipe away every tear from your eyes ~ Revelation 21:3-4 And I'll take away all the pain you have suffered on this earth ~ Revelation 21:3-4 I am your Father, and I love you even as I love my son, Jesus ~ John 17:23 For in Jesus, my love for you is revealed ~ John 17:26 He is the exact representation of my being ~ Hebrews 1:3 He came to demonstrate that I am for you, not against you ~ Romans 8:31 And to tell you that I am not counting your sins ~ 2 Corinthians 5:18-19 Jesus died so that you and I could be reconciled ~ 2 Corinthians 5:18-19 His death was the ultimate expression of my love for you ~ 1 John 4:10 I gave up everything I loved that I might gain your love ~ Romans 8:31-32 If you receive the gift of my son Jesus, you receive me ~ 1 John 2:23 And nothing will ever separate you from my love again ~ Romans 8:38-39 Come home and I'll throw the biggest party heaven has ever seen ~ Luke 15:7 I have always been Father, and will always be Father ~ Ephesians 3:14-15 My question is ~ Will you be my child? ~ John 1:12-13 I am waiting for you ~ Luke 15:11-32
Love, Your Dad, Almighty God
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Day 17 and 18
Well, i started working yesterday. It was nice to do, i got away from my kids and actually had adult converstation i forgot how much i missed that to be honest. It felt good.
I started my diet today. Won't say my weight until i lose all the weight i need to. So we will see what happens. I am hoping i lose the weight. My mother in-law lost weight doing it so we will see. I have faith lol... Kinda nervous cause nothing really works. or i lose motivation maybe thats it. I lose my want i don't know. Its also going to help that i'm working i'm not going to be sitting around munching on crap like i usually do. So cross my fingers.
I am also opening my eyes to people and the way the make me feel. I have also realize that some people really do bring out the worse in me. So i'm going to have to fix that.
I think thats it for the day..
Monday, March 16, 2009
14-16
So lets see i'm almost done with my 31 day challenge. Its been hard. But hey i truely haven't done everything i meant to do. I wanted to spend more time with my kids doing stuff, but its been raining so we could do that. So its upsetting....
I got a job with my church so i'm happy. It is part time but i get out of the house and i'm able to do stuff with other adults...
Friday, March 13, 2009
Day 11 -13
Alexandrite is also sometimes available as an unset stone but it is extremely rare in fine qualities. The original source in Russia's Ural Mountains has long since closed after producing for only a few decades and only a few stones can be found on the market today. Material with a certificate of Russian origin is still particularly valued by the trade. Some Alexandrite is found in Sri Lanka and Zimbabwe and Brazil but very little shows a dramatic color change. For many years, Alexandrite was almost impossible to find because there was so little available. Then in 1987, a new find of Alexandrite was made in Brazil at a locality called Hematita. The Hematita Alexandrite shows a striking and attractive color change from raspberry red to bluish green. Although Alexandrite remains extremely rare and expensive, the production of a limited amount of new material means a new generation of jewelers and collectors have been exposed to this beautiful gemstone, creating an upsurge in popularity and demand.
When evaluating Alexandrite, pay the most attention to the color change: the more dramatic and complete the shift from red to green, without the bleeding through of brown from one color to the next, the more rare and valuable the stone. The other important value factors are the attractiveness of the two colors - the more intense the better - the clarity, and the cutting quality. Because of the rarity of this gemstone, large sizes command very high premiums. Stones that show only a minor change in color may be called a color change Chrysoberyl, but these are not truly Alexandrite. Alexandrite is an expensive and rare gemstone. Prices of $2000 to $3000 per carat for stones less than a carat are not uncommon. As noted the price directly reflects the intensity of the color change and the desirability of the colors that are present.
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Day 5 through 10
So, its been hard, but i have gotten out, i went to church and i also took my kids to the park so they could play. I can't make them suffer right? But i haven't really done much for me. My house is clean, for the most part, just lost motivation to continue cleaning it.
Well, i have had time to think about me and my wants, and i have realized that my wants are not what they were 3 years ago or even 4 years ago. I use to not care about much, but growing closer to the Lord has made me realized that i just want to worship Him and do right by him. No, i'm not perfect and i sin i did today. I have bad thoughts we will get to that in a few. But i now that i have grown as a person, and that i want to be loved and respected. I want to love and be respected as well.
So i have been smoke free since April 2005 with the exception of when Cheyanne was almost 2 or right before i got pregnant with Kaylie i smoked and i spent the night over the toilet. So i realized that smoking is not for me anymore. Plus after researching it and seeing the harm it does to my kids rather i smoke around them or not, its on my clothes and wow it hurts them. So i decided NO i care more about their health then my wants. So i stopped. However, my husband who promised me that he would quit has not. So now he's not only smoking cigs he smoking cigars. And when i figured it out all i could think is man i just wish he would die already. I hate that... I don't want to deal with the diseases that are associated with it. I watched his grandfather die of smoking and the pain it caused everyone. I don't want to deal with it. He was 75 years old and lived a long time suffering. So even though i don't want my husband to die, sometimes i wish he would realize it. I though for sure watching his grandpa die from it would open his eyes, but did it no he starts smoking more stuff. I don't want to deal with it, but i know that is not grounds for divorce, but truthfully i want out because of it. I don't want to be in a situation 10 years from now, where he is with emphysema or cancer because of his own ignorance. I know i sound heartless, but i'm 30 years old and i don't want to be 50 and then single because of it, and i don't want to sit up at nights watching him die a slow death. I am thinking i really need to start praying more.
Anyways, thats it for the day.
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Day 4 & 5
So yesterday wasn't to bad, we had people here putting in central heat and air. So that was fun. Afterwards my husband took the family out to eat dinner. We went to Mamacita's best fajitas ever. Then came home. Didn't go to church because their was a crew here, but i'm sure they will understand as well as God.
I also went on an interview with my church to work for them part time. Cross my fingers that i get that position. Nothing major and not enough to pay my bills, mainly just time with other adults and to just get away from the house.
So today they finished up the a/c and didn't do everything they needed so now they have to come back out tomorrow to do that and it has to be before the inspector comes or we will be red tagged which will suck. But my a/c is up and ready to go.
Donnie took a half day today because he has to sheet rock a hole (big) in the ceiling so that we can use our ac and we won't be running it for nothing. I can't wait to be honest. I'm soo excited. He told me last night that this is the first time in his life that he has had central heat and air and if it wasn't for me he probably never would so he thanks me for that. Made me feel good. He said that even though we are not rich i'm making major improvements in the house and that prior to me he would never spend the money to do so. From the stove to just the paint on the wall. So i feel good about that.
So day i broke a water line. So i now have NO water and it sucks. I had to call Donnie at work and tell him that i broke a water line. He didn't sound mad, but i'm sure he is and he will more then likely tell me when he's home. But i will cry and he won't lol. Gosh, its good to be a girl sometimes... It just sucks i have no WATER.... But he's going to get off in 30 minutes so i will be ok i hope.
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Day 2 and 3
Well, i didn't blog yesterday. Got to busy, so i will do it today. Yesterday was good, i kept busy cleaning so that took most of it up. However, being how i'm not use to being home all the time my girls drove me crazy. I think its because i'm cleaning and tired. They for whatever reason have been waking up at 5am. Its driving me insane lol... Why are they getting up so early?
Today i actually did get out i had a doctors appointment, so that was a nice break from the kids... Then came home and realized i'm bored, so i started cleaning again... It helped some that my husband was home so i had adult conversation...
Tomorrow i have an interview with my church to try and get a job there in their daycare dept. So i will get out for that. Cross my fingers. Well i will be back tomorrow.
Day 2 and 3
Well, i didn't blog yesterday. Got to busy, so i will do it today. Yesterday was good, i kept busy cleaning so that took most of it up. However, being how i'm not use to being home all the time my girls drove me crazy. I think its because i'm cleaning and tired. They for whatever reason have been waking up at 5am. Its driving me insane lol... Why are they getting up so early?
Today i actually did get out i had a doctors appointment, so that was a nice break from the kids... Then came home and realized i'm bored, so i started cleaning again... It helped some that my husband was home so i had adult conversation...
Tomorrow i have an interview with my church to try and get a job there in their daycare dept. So i will get out for that. Cross my fingers. Well i will be back tomorrow.
Sunday, March 1, 2009
Day 1
So today is day 1 of me staying home. It was ok, however, i did go to church and for the first time i came straight home. I was proud of myself. I have been cleaning my house though. Its starting to look really good.
However, through all of this i will find out who my friends are. I have realized that some people that i thought would be turned really shady when realizing that i meant what i said. So you know, to each their own. I am doing this for me, and if my "friends" are no longer around then obviously i didn't need them anyways.
But today was easy.
Saturday, February 28, 2009
Tomorrow is the day
So tomorrow is March 1st. I am soo stressed out over the 31 days of staying home and not going out and spending money. I am wondering if i'm going to be able to do it. But at least i will get out to go to church thats always a plus right??? Well, i will start blogging tomorrow. Wish me luck.
Monday, February 9, 2009
Why I believe
So i am sitting here thinking about my life, and why i am glad that i am a woman with love for the Lord Jesus Christ. People have asked my why do i believe in God? So i figured i would go a head and answer that question.
I believe in God for so many reason. Starting with the beginning, when i was 17 years old i was told my a doctor that i would NEVER be able to have kids, and that if i was to become pregnant i would miscarry. So hey, ok i can't have kids so who cares what i do right? So i met my ex husband who was abusive in every way from physical, mental, emotional and sexual. I hated him more then life itself. So after we divorced i got into a relationship for 3 years and that went absolutely no where. So i figured God, God who? I partied my butt off and i did things that i look back now and think i should be dead. But no i'm alive and kicking it. So then after almost losing it all because i became an alcholic. I was asked to become a call girl and actually was almost willing to do it, but i didn't and i moved to Houston, TX.
While living here, i met friends and calmed down, was working and doing me. Still not following God, i was tired of living a life of sin. Meeting guys and that not going anywhere. So i finally told God look, i know i have not followed you, you tell me what to do. The next day i was playing dominoes on yahoo and some guy IM'd me. I thought here we go again another pervert trying to get his. So i was rude to him. Not knowing this was going to be the guy i married. He would IM and i would call him names and talk crap to him. At times i was nice to him as well. But even though i was a complete Bitch to him he still talked to me, and i was very open with him. We finally decided to meet 2 or 3 months later. We met and had dinner and movies. He didn't try anything at all with me. He was the perfect gentleman. So we dated for awhile and got married a month or two later. Yes we dated for a very short period of time. To me he was God sent. So still not really following the Lord, i started reading the Bible and praying and told God that i married my soul mate and would love to one day have a child. Well, God answered that because in June i found out i was pregnant with my daughter. After years of unprotected sex and no pregnancy i was shocked that i was pregnant. So to me Cheyanne was my miracle baby, God's blessing to me to show that he did love me. So i started to attend church in 2006. And since then my life has not be perfect, but God is good and God is love. He has helped me through storms and tribulations. From my marriage to just me. I really think i should be dead or dying right now, but with God miracles are great.
So to me God is good and God does work in people's life, maybe not when you want Him to, but when he's ready. I love the Lord God with all my heart.
Thursday, February 5, 2009
Fasting for 31 days
Well, my little ones went to the doctors yesterday and they are growing up so much. My babies are not babies anymore. Its sad, but yet good, it makes me want another one lol... That was a joke...
Well, i have sat here the last couple of days thinking about my wants and stuff and realizes that i need to make a change. So i am going to attempt to stay home for 30 days and just focus on the Lord and my family. I will go to church and i will go to the store to buy the things that i need. But i will not go and hang out with my friends or nothing. I am praying that i can do this. I guess you can say i'm fasting for 30 days. I am not starting this until March. So i may do it for 31 days since thats the number of days that month. I have to prepare myself for such isolation. I want to see if its me that allows the world to turn me against my beliefs or morals, of if it truely the people i hang out with. I have realized that alot of the times when its just me i am not as judgemental or anything, but when i get around some of my friends i am different. I am faster to judge and speak in a way that i know is wrong. But for some reason they bring out a side of me that i HATE. So i made the decision to see if its me or if i allow others to influence my negative attitude. If anyone dares to try this with me that would be nice to see what or how its going with you. I will blog about it every day.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
My thoughts for the day
So i'm sitting thinking about how much my life has changed since i first moved out of my parents home back in 1997. The life that i had and how much it has made the person i am today and that even though i am not happy for the things that happend but i am. I hope that makes sense.
For those of you that read these and actually know me, knows the life that i have had. A life that i wouldn't wish upon anyone.
I remember the day i left my first husband i heard a song on the radio and i cried. I remember thinking dang that is my life why.... I felt dead inside, i wasn't the happy person i use to be, i didn't care about myself or anyone...
Saturday, January 24, 2009
My baby turned 3 today...
So my precious Cheyanne turned 3 today... I can't believe she's 3 years old already. Not sure if i'm happy or sad lol... We didn't do much for her today. However, we took her out to eat and then we got a small cake for her. My parents gave her $50.00 ( i have to go buy her something and then i will stick the rest in her peggy bank) and then my inlaws bought her a book that you can write in. They have something else for her, but they went ahead and gave it to her today... We will be doing the big birthday bash on the 31st. So i am excited but sad... My other daughter is turning 1. I swear i just i had her. How time flies when your having fun lol....
My MRI was canceled, by Insurance won't approve it for some reason so they are having to contact my dr. etc... so who knows, but i know its something that needs to be done.
For those who want to know what a coccyx is its the bone right above your tailbone. Some women have issues with it after giving birth because it doesn't heal properly. Well, mine won't heal at all. I hear it rub together and it pops as well as burns so my doctor thinks there may be a fracture that can only be seen by a MRI.
Here's a website that tells you more about it
http://www.drugs.com/cg/coccyx-injury.html
Friday, January 23, 2009
My doctor Appointment
So i went to my OBGYN just because the last time i had a menstrual cycle was April or May of 2007. I had my daughter on Feb. 1 , 2008 and i breast feed for 7 months. So its been about 5 months and i figured since i'm not pregnant something isn't right with me. So anyways... I went in and told them and they informed me that i more then likely have Ovarian Cysts of some kind. So they drew alot of blood from me to run test. They also gave me pills to attempt to get my cycle started once again. However, if i can't get a menstrual cycle then i am not able to have more kids. My husband and i have 2 kids and wanted to try once more for a boy. But that may not be possible. All i can think is this is the second time in my life that i have been told i may not be able to have a baby. All i can ask is why God? But i have faith that we will fix me. Its just a scary thing.
So then they told me that my blood pressure was high. I asked her what it was and she told me it was 140/102 YIKES!!!! So then she told me i needed to see my family doctor on that... Because that 102 is a silent killer. And i knew that so i called my family doctor and got in that evening for that and also because coccyx has been hurting for about 6 months and no matter what my doctor does it doesn't get better.
So i went in to see my doctor and when he took my blood pressure it had went down. I dont' remember what it was to be honest... I know the bottom number was 90 something. So he told me for 2 weeks he wants me to check my blood pressure before he puts me on meds. But if the top number gets to 200 and the bottom number gets to 120 i need to come in that day no exceptions and that i am to tell them he said to get me in.
He also scheduled me a MRI for my coccyx to see if its fractured. Just because the extent and the length of the pain. So i am hoping that they can find something or do something to heal me. The pain is just unbareable.
Saturday, January 10, 2009
Life as of today
So my daughter my precious daughter is finally walking. Its just a happy moment. My daughter who is fixing to be 3 started walking at 9 months so i though hey my second one would as well, but nope she started really walking at 11 months. Its ok though, she's her own person. She's just so precious and vocal. I mean vocal. LOL
So i have sat back and took a look at life and my marriage etc... I have realized that for the first 4 years of marriage it will be 4 years Wed. I have led a single life minus the cheating. I didn't talk to my husband about things finance wise and yet he did with me. Cause if he didn't i would get mad. I did what i wanted and he worked his butt off for me. So after long thoughts and prayers i realized that i am married to a really good man, and that alot of my issues was outside influence. My husband gives me the world and has never once told me NO. I am a stay at home mom and a student. I have never really thought of being a stay at home mom, but it was something we talked about and he felt like i should stay home and raise our children instead of a stranger at a day care. Since we can do it money wise, why work? So i agreed to do it. However, recently i have decided to look for a job, he's not happy about it, but i told him that i would work at a daycare so that way i'm there with the kids. So i have an interview Tuesday cross my fingers. I just need to get out. But he told me that i can always quit and if it puts pressure on us that i need to quit. So i agreed to that much. But back to the point, i have decided that i was going to make my marriage equal. 50/50 for the most part, but like my pastor said no marriage is 50/50 sometimes its 70/30 or 90/10 or sometimes its 100/0 just depends on the situation. Sometimes we have to give alittle more then the other because they are sick, or having a baby etc... I'm sure you guys get it.
Anyways, i'm off to mess with the kids and play with them... Thinking about going to the store just not sure yet...
Thursday, January 8, 2009
I guess i can
I usually don't talk about myself because i don't like people i don't really know, knowing my business. But seeing how i don't feel like i can talk to my friends anymore for who knows why, we are to busy, they have their lives, i have mine or we just don't see eye to eye on things anymore i figured i might as well do it on here. That way you don't know me i don't know you and even if i get people on here that talk to me every day or better yet leaves comments who knows. So i will talk about me just a tiny bit.
I have 2 daughters who i adore more then life itself. My oldest will be 3 this month and my youngest will be 1 next month. I have been married for almost 4 years. Its had some good and bad moments.
I have a stepson who right now is going through some issues and at times i feel like i'm the only one who cares and the only one trying to do something about it. So i have decided that i quit. Its not only my job to handle the situation. He has a mother and a father who is capable of doing all the stuff that i do if they would just take the time. I told my husband that i understand his situation due to his job and etc... And he is greatful that i'm doing it for him, but at times i feel like why am i the only one making phone calls etc... So i am not doing so anymore. Its a hard thing to deal with, because i love him and yet i don't want him around my girls. I will get more into that later. So for you Christians out there i need lots of prayer for him.
